If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Randomize
