someone owes me an orgasm
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
ttyl tear gas
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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