you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
