I'd wear matching sweaters with you
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
