I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
