I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
