Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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