Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
