Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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