Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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