The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
