I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
im on a boat
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