i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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