Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
