fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
