she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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