I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
