My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
