wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
