I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
