Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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