During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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