woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats