we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
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You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
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She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament