she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
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I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
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Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.