apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
