The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
