As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The struggles of a small town man whore
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
