Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
