Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I wish you could order shots online.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?