I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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