Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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