The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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