you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
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Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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