I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize