I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
