a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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