3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize