i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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