I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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