Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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