i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
