her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
