Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
