Are we in a gay sports bar?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
