I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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