this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
