I'm gonna have a badass scar
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Randomize
