I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
