You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I did not marry a roomba.
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