when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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