Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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