OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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