I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
