it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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