Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
