mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
