Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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